A Baby with Incredibly Muscular Arms

Greetings and Good Day,

I’ve reached a really exciting, interesting, and provocative point in my life. Sunday November the 8th, I will officially get a little bit older. Just a smidge. Just a pinch. Just wee bit. Because it is my birthday.

And seeing as how today is ONLY November 3rd, and Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is on tonight and not Sunday night, how am I supposed involve y’all in the festivities? The true answer? I can’t. I can’t and I probably won’t.

You see, my birthday is all about me. From top to bottom, it’s for me, me, me, and only me. Why should I try, make the effort, and include you in it? What does it do for me?

Chances are I’ll get lots of presents. The more people I tell this to, the more people will say “Happy Birthday, Andrew T” or “Sup Dawg. Throw some cake down your throat today” and other such traditional B’day greetings. And I like presents.

Recently I’ve been hearing people throw words around like “Communism” and “Theocracy” and “Co-operatives” and “Lunchtime.” These all seems strange to me–mostly because I’m writing this at 8:30AM, which is not lunchtime at all–because I think I’m a big fan of Capitalism. I’m trying to find a way to make every day my birthday so that I will receive gifts every day. Because, you see, after a point, I’ll have too much stuff and I’ll have to sell it off. Chances are I’ll sell back to you the present you gave to me seven birthdays ago (aka a week ago). Isn’t that genius? Making you buy something twice? The only problem is that I’m worried most of my friends are cheapoes and that they’ll just buy me freezies or coffee every day. Unless I get an ice-box (as a gift) those freezies will be worthless, and have you ever tried to sell a cup of cold coffee? Have you? What’s it like?

Anyways, I might be having a special pre-birthday radio show tonight. I’m just sayin’…

Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. Tuesday. 10pm-12am. CFRU 93.3fm http://www.cfru.ca/

Believe…all the time.

from andrew

I’d Caramel-wash Her “Car”

Bienvenidos,

There is a stranger in my house. At least I think so. Some one or something was using my bathroom when I got home, but I don’t know who it is. Instead of just barging in and demanding an introduction, I waited until they were done, and then snuck in to have my show.

I. Snuck. In. Like a coward. In my own home. This will not stand. This shall not stand. This will probably continue for the rest of the morning.

You know what I’m saying?

Oh, I haven’t said it yet…I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes I don’t like strangers. You know what I’m saying? Like, who do they think they are that they have to be all up in my stuff, in my house, and make me introduce myself. That’s outrageous, and wrong, and I’m filing a complaint.

I know that as a mildly public figure I should be open to strangers. They’re practically my bread and butter. But like all bread and butter, there are exceptions.

You see, you are my public. Some of you are bread and some of you are butter. If my matchmaking TV gets off the ground, I will be introducing all the breads to all the butters and you will make sandwich babies for me. And then we won’t be strangers! We’ll be intimately tied together. There will be many years of you bringing your doughy, greasy family down to my estate where we can all frolic and remember the good times.

We’ll say to each other “Oh, Reginald, do you remember that time on October 27th when Andrew T hosted another spectacular episode of Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite? We tuned in to CFRU 93.3fm…or was it online at http://www.cfru.ca/ ? Regardless, Reginald, it was an excellent 2 hours of radio from 10pm-12am.”

And then someone will be sure to point out that we’re not all named Reginald and that they didn’t know how they got there or why they were tied up.

So, in conclusion: Did I just stoop so low as to give myself a fictional compliment from the future just to get you to listen to my radio show?

Yes. Yes I did. And isn’t that what Halloween’s all about?

from andrew

Correction: I know your father!

This message is all about the Benjamins.

The Franklins, the Bratts…the Netanyahus. All of them. Because I need all of them.

CFRU has been kind enough to play host to me playing host to my radio show, Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. Right now, today only, is the last day of their annual Raise Your Voice fundraising drive. ATDE has the delight of being the final show of the drive, and we’ve gotta raise a lot of money.

The station’s goal is $10,000, which is nice and all, but I’m a man who likes a challenge. In fact, I like a challenge so much that the goal for my show tonight is to raise $10,000! Can we do it? Yes! There are 150 (or so) in ATDE’s fan group, which means we only have to donate $67 each! Now if that’s too much for you, you can just go tell your friends and BAM! we all share the load.

As an incentive for donation, for every $5 given to the station and to my show I’ll be giving away a download code as well as taking order for a physical incarnation for one of two personalized Andrew T music mixes. Straight up, I will never DJ your party and I will never write you a mixtape from my heart. BUT! for $5 you can get yourself a music mix of your very own to fill these needs I’m not fulfilling, and thereby have a piece of my mind forever. So again, for just $5 you can get either Kick Out the Jams with Andrew T or Sad and Lonely with Andrew T. What fun!

Also, there are station donation incentives for donating $25 or more, which include albums from Handsome Furs, No Age, Animal Collective, Beck, Juinior Boys, The Dutchess and the Duke, Eugene Mirman, Clinic, Cain and Abel, Foals, Torngat, Tiny Vipers, Hercules and Love Affair, Phoenix, The Most Serene Republic, Stars, Spiral Beach, Jemina Pearl, Born Ruffians, and Think About Life…AND MORE!!!

So please, tune in tonight to Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite from 10pm-12am for the live broadcast of the finale to the CFRU 93.3FM Raise Your Voice fundraising drive.

CFRU 93.3fm
http://www.cfru.ca/

And hey, if you’re in Guelph, come on down to the station for the party! It’s gonna be…pretty good!

from andrew

I swear there’s a squirrel humping a bucket outside my window

Happy Tuba Tuesday Everyone!

Did you know it was Tuba Tuesday? Well it is. But what’s great about it is that it’s one of those events that you don’t have to do anything about.

There is a lot of hate in my heart these days. Did you know that? That’s also one of those statements that you don’t have to do anything about. Like the tuba thing, you can just let it slide right on by.

But you wanna hear some statements and events that you can’t ignore? Starting tomorrow, October 14th, the fine folks at CFRU (the place where I host my epic radio show) are beginning their week-long funding drive. CFRU needs your money.

There. Bam. One event and one statment that you cannot ignore. Funding Drive and Needing Money. Just suck that in for a second.

October the 20th is the final day of the funding drive, and can you guess what the final show kicking it all off will be? ANDREW T AND THE DYNAMO ELITE! The nice people at CFRU think that we’ll be able to seal the deal and bring the dolla-palooza to a close. And I believe we can too.

SO! Tonight’s show is the pre-donating show, so we’re gonna spend a lot of time enticing listeners with the fabulous donation incentives that CFRU is offering up. PLUS we’ll be dishing the dirt on the mega exciting donation incentives that I, Andrew T, will be offering up. It’s gonna rock! There’s gonna be so much swag that you won’t be able to touch your nose! Who wants to do that anyways!

Please, listen to Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite on CFRU 93.3fm or http://www.cfru.ca/ tonight from 10pm-12am. Then starting tomorrow at 7am listen to CFRU for a week and pledge as much money as you can/want to.

I’d appreciate it.

And we all know that my appreciation is shown in many ways. Many mysterious ways. In many mysterious but not based 1st base ways.

from andrew

Design on your own time!

Good morning friends and family,

Do you know a famous person? Would you like to?

That’s right! It’s time to talk about Andrew T’s Notoriety!!!

Okay, so, like, it’s really hard to get super famous these days. You can either do something really impressive that everybody notices OR you can just wait for currently famous people to retire. Retire or Die.

Now, with you’re help, I am a great position to take advantage of both. Like a day when they’re offering both free coffee AND free donuts, I am in a great position to take advantage of both. When someone left the Gun store unattended and the bank vault open, I am in a great position to take advantage of both. LIKE DRUNK TWINS, I am in a great position to take advantage of both…wow. Maybe that’s why I’m not famous.

Regardless, I need your help. As I’m harping constantly, the countdown for Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is on. Once that runs out, so does a significant portion of my fame-portunity. So please, tell your friends and family about the show. Get them to listen. Get them to join this Facebook Group. Get them to love me just a little bit more than they love you. Then you can all know a famous person.

Some other things of note: In an effort to beef up my fame quotient, I have a new website called http://www.drivewayfarerdrive.com/ You should check that out…for my sake. Also, you should help fund my famousness by donating to my radio show on October 20th. And finally, I will continue my quest to get noticed tonight on the airwaves, 93.3fm CFRU http://www.cfru.ca/ from 10pm-12am.

Oh! Also, think about it, if you help out a famous person, then a famous person can help out you. I can be helpful in all kinds of ways. It’s like having your own famous butler.

from andrew t aka The Future Famous Butler