You’ll be hard pressed to find some fresh pressed tiger juice

Bang!

Sorry. I just wanted to start your day off with a ‘Bang.’

Ka-Pow!

Shoot. Sorry again. I just wanted to keep the feeling going with a ‘Ka-Pow.’ But that’s it. I swear. Today’s gonna be a totally normal day. A day just like everything other day of the week. Nothing exciting’s gonna happen today…UNLESS YOU GET ABDUCTED BY ALIENS!!!

Holy Cow, man, that would be insane! Think about how crazy it would be to get abducted by Aliens on today of all days. Today, Zhang Ziyi’s birthday! Today, Safer Internet Day! Today, the Christian Saint Day of Apollonia, patron saint of dentists and dental technicians! And that’s just the stuff off the top of my head. Today’s probably also going to be filled with things that you do that’ll make it all your own. Tuesday will from hereon be known as (Insert Your Name Here)day. Sweet! We all got a day of the week named after us!

But waitaminnit–When I say you’ll be abducted by Aliens, do you think I mean extra-terrestrials? Because I don’t. You may have noticed that I capitalize the first ‘a’ in Aliens. Why would I do that if I didn’t mean extra-terrestrials and UFOs and whatnot? Because when I say Aliens, I mean the 1986 sci-fi classic with Sigourney Weaver reprising her iconic role as Ellen Ripley. Now I know that regular alien abductions are supposed to be pretty messed up. Like, I’ve heard about all the…stuff…that they do to you on spaceships. Sometimes it’s fun, but sometimes it’s not fun. Well take that weird feeling of being alien abducted and just throw it out the window. Being Aliens abducted is totally different. Being abducted by Aliens is sometimes kind of scary, but sometimes really awesome, and a lot of people shoot things. Oh, and at the end of it all, Ripley fights the giant queen in an exo-suit. It’s badass.

I guess what I’m trying to say, is that when I say “abducted by Aliens” what I really mean is “watch Aliens.” Even though I prefer the first one.

So if you want to get in touch with me about watching the Alien Quadrilogy, then you can listen to me on the radio tonight. It’s the best way to try and talk to me. I’ve available from 10pm-12am on CFRU 93.3fm or http://www.cfru.ca/ Oh, and my secretary’s name is Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. He kind of a dick, but in a good way (wink, wink).

from andrew

Simple Round Glasses and a Shoddy Haircut

Citizens of Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite,

So there has been a lot of talk about hard drugs around here lately. Am I dealing? No. Am I using? No. But am I deathly terrified of them? Let’s talk about that.

I am terribly afraid of hard drugs the same way that I’m terribly afraid of a wildcat. Like, from a distance I understand why they’re dangerous. Empirically I know the ways they could kill me. But up close–HOLY CRAP THAT’S TERRIFYING! WHY DID I THINK THAT HUGGING THIS WILDCAT/BAG OF DRUGS WOULD BE A GOOD IDEA! NOW IT’S FEASTING ON MY JUGULAR AND LETTING MY BLOOD SEEP OUT OF MY BODY AND MOISTEN THE SAND ALL OVER THIS BEACH! THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE OUR ROMANTIC WEEKEND AWAY! WHY DID I HAVE TO MARRY THIS WILDCAT/BAG OF DRUGS?!?!?!

I think it would be really convenient to die on a beach. The tide would wash away all the blood, the lifeguards could use flotation devices to make an ad hoc funeral pyre, and all the beachgoers could be instant attendees! Bloody Beach Death is pretty much my best case scenario. It’s also the name of the drink that I just invented. It will be served exclusively at my chain of sports bars called Wonder Champs. BUT WE WOULD NOT SERVE WINGS! I don’t condone eating meat in such a fashion. But we would have fine leather seating in all the booths. Just mention my name, or the funniest sounding name a president’s ever had (but don’t be racist) and you’ll get 50% off dessert.

The way that I remember how to spell ‘dessert’ and ’supper’ is that they have the extra letter because you want more of them! But I’m on a diet. So I want less. Way less.

from andrew

p.s. Oh! I have a radio show tonight from 10pm-12am on CFRU 93.3fm/ http://www.cfru.ca/ Thanks!

Sipping Cold Tea On My Way to San Diego

Yo! Check it! I got prizes!

When I said that, did you think that I actually had some incurable disease called ‘Prizes’ that you can only get from licking dead car batteries in Patagonia? Because I did. And after I WebMD’ed my symptoms, I learned it was not a real disease. I’m not going to tell you what I do have. I will say, however, that it is highly contagious, so you’ll find out soon enough…

…You’ll find out now! What I have is party fever! Also known as secui fever (that’s how you say it in latin, but I will never refer to it like that again), this disease manifests itself with an intense desire for good times and loot bags. But if that is what it is, then I ask you, do we not all have party fever? Do we not all strive to party feverishly? Do we not all get the sweats? I’ve got the sweats. I’ve got them bad…for you…

Seriously, though, I do have prizes. I have two prizes. I have two prizes to give away to two wonderfully young (or old) people that listen to my radio show tonight. I’m gonna mention my show now so that I can talk more about party fever below. Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is going to be giving away two legit prizes on the radio tonight so I urge you to tune in to become a winner. 10pm-12am, http://www.cfru.ca/, CFRU 93.3fm. For realz.

Is there actually more to say about party fever? I don’t think so. To be honest, I kind of made the whole thing up. Everybody parties! That’s not a disease. That’s like saying that breathing or believing in reincarnation is a disease–it’s not, because everybody does it! The diseased people are the ones who can’t breath, don’t like to party, and think that we only have one life to live. That’s messed up. They are sick. Take those people to a hospital. Especially the ones with problems breath; that could be an emergency!

from andrew

Hippolyta is a word I don’t use often enough in polite company. Only in impolite company.

Greetings,

Boldness should be a colour. And if boldness were a colour, it should be the colour Harlequin. Do you know what colour that is? Harlequin is actually just green. More technically, and more actually, it is located between green and yellow on “the colour wheel,” a little closer to the green side of things. Really? You’d call that Harlequin? That’s just green! It’s almost indistinguishable from Electric Green! Does it really matter all that much to call yourself Harlequin? That’s bogus!

Boldness would be a much better name for that colour. It’s like when people steal things, and then their punishment is to wear a sign that says “I STEAL THINGS!” Then they can be shamed publicly. Harlequin will be shamed for its hubris. Painters, fabric makers, and general colour enthusiasts will then know just what kind of a character they are getting in bed with when they use Boldness (aka Harlequin).

And think about how awesome it would be! And by it, I mean life in general! I bet sales of Harlequin would sky rocket! Everyone would be like “Oh, yeah, I wasn’t sure what jacket to wear with my jeans, but I guess Boldness goes with everything,” or “Red’s a great colour and all, but I feel like if we put Boldness on our flag it would better convey Canada’s sense of…Boldness,” or even “Doctor! Geoffry’s had a terrible concussion! He says his vision’s messed up and all he can see is Boldness! He won’t rest! He just keep doing bold things!” There are literally a million scenarios where Boldness could be applied (as a colour) and it would make that scene more awesome. Way more awesome. Right now I’m thinking of scenarios involving monkeys, butlers, monkey butlers, monkey maids, monkey astronauts, circus monkeys, monkeys at typewriters–and this is just me going through a list of interesting jobs! Boldness would also be relevant in a scenario of a monkey in a park, or a monkey on a boat. THESE POSSIBILITIES ARE ENDLESS!

Now, I’m gonna tell you to listen to Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite tonight from 10pm-12am on CFRU 93.3fm or http://www.cfru.ca

But even with all this talk of colour, I can’t promise you’ll see Boldness tonight. Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is a radio show, after all. However, we’ll give you the best approximation of what Boldness would be like if it were also a sound. And judging by my colour/naming math, this could also be what Harlequin sounds like. So when you listen tonight (which you will) just close your eyes and see the powerful and aptly named colour that we’ll be shooting your way. Please ignore anything that feels like someone is stealing your wallets. That’s a side affect of Boldness…

from andrew

The weight of it all…ALL of the weight!

Oh. My. Tuesday.

Stop what you’re doing and pay attention to me. PAY ATTENTION TO ME! I made a huge mistake. I want to share that mistake with you so that you respect me more. I want you to respect me more so that when I’m old, you’ll let me stay at your crib for a while because “Andrew T used to be a really cool guy…who wore fewer capes than he does now…”

Last night I decided I was going calm my down my body and mind with a technique that is centuries old: I was going to nap. The only problem? I mean, the only problem besides my mind and body racing too much for me to conduct even the simplest of surgical procedure? My nap commenced at 9:50pm. WHAT WAS I THINKING? I was thinking that my alarm would wake me up in an hour as planned. NOPE! Because I, Andrew T, forgot to turn up the volume on that mother so I kept on sleeping until 12:30am, and then it was toooooo late for me to wake up and do anything. I said to myself “At this point, you might as well just keep sleeping and then just wake up early in the morning.” Some days I don’t know why I listen to myself.

So I kept sleeping, and instead of getting 100% rested (I’m roughly 92% and declining) I had this crazy dream where I went to stay at my grandma’s house in Calgary but Calgary was actually a bigger more interesting city and there were lots of bus routes and people in weird costumes outside of candy shops and there wasn’t any snow and my mom called me at one point and I could never remember how to get home and I had this huge map but no friends and my grandma wasn’t there at all and I went to see this weird movie in a movie theater and then I ended up being part of the movie and there were boats involved and driving in really snowy weather but I think the movie wasn’t very good and it was a terrible week-long vacation and my mind did not rest at all.

*sigh*

I’ve been up since 6:55am. I’m definitely ready to face the day. My only concern (the only one I’m willing to share with you, unless you know the secret password) is that between 10pm and 12am tonight I’ll be too tired from waking up too early to properly deliver the best Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite episode on CFRU 93.3fm or online at http://www.cfru.ca/

Do other people have similar concerns, or is it just me?

from andrew