Loud Cheers in my Ears

Hello Tuesday, ladies and gentlemen.

Please allow me to be brief about things.

I have a radio show called Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. Maybe you’ve heard of it? If not, you should totally listen to it. It’s on from 10pm-12am on CFRU 93.3fm or you can stream it live/check out the archives of the show at http://www.cfru.ca

Thank you…

Oh gosh, who I am kidding? I have so much to talk about!

First thing/The Only Thing:

I mother effing forgot to pack a can opener today! On most days if that happened it’d be no big deal, right? Except today I also packed a can of Cream o’ Mushroom soup for dinner! How am I supposed to open it now? How will I eat dinner? Will I make it through the nigh?

The answer to all those questions is a good, hard YES!

Okay now, so let’s brainstorm about how to open this can:

1) Drop it off a buidling.
2) Drop if off an old lady.
3) Find some scissors and scissor the top off.
4) Think it open with my mind.
5) Cry about it until it feels so guilty that it’ll open itself.
6) Cry to the old lady until she offers to make me dinner…I have to remember, no witnesses…
7) Ask that guy for a can opener. Ask that other guy for a can opener.
9) Hunger strike.
10) Remember to buy milk.
11) Turn Left when you hit Bronson Ave.
12) Never forget you’re a beautiful person, Andrew T.
13) Stop this list now.

So it looks like we have a lot of ideas there. Brainstorming is fun because you get so many ideas, and sometimes you never know where your mind can take you. It got kind of personal at the end, but that’s okay! It’s my can of soup, so it’s very personal mission. Plus, the can runs on the Highlander principle, where there can only be one. You’re not invited to dinner.

But you are invited to my radio show.
Please listen.

Listen…to me.

from andrew

Advice: See many places and then hide in them

Holy Canoli!

Straight up, there is big news from the Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite camp. Actually, we’re not a real camp like summer camp. We’re more camp-like than an actual camp. I guess we’re campy. But isn’t summer camp kind of campy? Then perhaps Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is like summer camp. We’re double camp!

But that’s not the news, although it is now news. That’s breaking news.

THIS JUST IN: Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is campy camp.

But the REAL news is this: This show is now global.
Check this: http://www.ohzone.org/index.php

(man, there are so many colon’s in this message)

That above link takes you to a website developed by some fine people in Taiwan who are programming the bejebus out of the air waves. And who is getting cranked to the max? ANDREW T AND THE DYNAMO ELITE!!! So not only am I, Andrew T, becoming an international phenom, so are you! As my loyal dynamo elite, I’m taking you with me to Taiwan, the land of the…of the…Taiwan Miracle! Look it up.

And while you’re out on the internet looking up facts about Taiwan (and there are many) check out the OhZone website to see my announcer page and learn more about me. IT’S ALL TRUE!!!

But really, this is pretty cool right? We are all on the cusp of becoming famous. And you know what the quickest way to get even more famous is? Listening to the show!

So, here are the details:

Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite
It’s on TONIGHT from 10pm-12am
On CFRU 93.3fm
Or http://www.cfru.ca

It’s going to be awesome! You’re going to be awesome! I believe in you! And you!

But not myself.

from andrew

I need to revitalize my blog.

I’m doing it people. I’m officially for real doing it.

I’m inviting you all to SUMMER!!! Hot dog! It’s hot dog season!

Summer is a very confusing time for me. I’m not sure when the evening is, I forget the fine line defining appropriate clothing, and I swear ice-cream costs more. Worst of all, I can no longer tell if my sheets are drenched with sweat in the morning from the deafening heat, or if it’s from my recurring nightmares about beach balls and riding horses in the dark. That’s right, I have nightmares about night mares!

But there are good things about summer.

On another topic, I’m going to be hosting one of the sickest radio shows I’ve ever put together. You should listen. The show’s going to be so sick it’s going to make you puke out your ears and sniff tomatoes up your fingernails. Doesn’t that seem like a good enough reason to listen?

See, Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is like a werewolf, and every full moon the quality of the program spikes like hairs on a wolf-man’s back, and we take a bite out of crappy times. We then infect those crappy times with good-times-saliva, and that time will become a good times werewolf. And so on. And so forth.

So GET BITTEN!!!
By LISTENING!!!
Radio show= 10pm-12am, 93.3fm/ www.cfru.ca

If Lycan do it, then you can to!

from andrew

As much as I don’t want to say it, a turnip is my king.

Guten Tag,

I had this great plan for a long, epic, beautiful, majestic, melodic, and effervescent, message that rhymed and all kinds of other things. But, uh, but it’s not happening. Am I lazy? Sure, but that’s not why.

It’s…

Oh Gosh, I don’t want to say this.

It’s…

Seriously? Do you people really need to know this much about my life? I mean, it’s my life! C’mon!

Fine!

It’s because my rhymulator is broken. I was working it the other day, spitting some sweet lines while baking a delicious butter pecan turnip loaf, and it just pooped right out! How did I know? I tried to come up with a rhyme for “My rhymulator just pooped out!” but I couldn’t. Do you know how hard that is for me? Do you know how much that hurts?

I spent the rest of the night holding my pained stomach as I tried to digest uncooked butter, pecans, and turnip. It hurt so bad. It also didn’t help that when the rhymulator pooped, it pooped out a solid gold watch into the batter and I tried to eat that too. I also ate three enchiladas, a Cornish game hen, some chalk, and a 1968 copy of time magazine. You know the Joe Clark issue? I think he carried that bat right into my guts. Don’t believe me? Peruse that cover! http://www.time.com/time/covers/0,16641,19880201,00.html

In you face!

Oh man, I’m having a chalk fever. I’m in a turnip haze. I’ve gotta stop this and go lay down. But not as a cure for my sickness. The only cure is to listen to my radio show tonight on CFRU 93.3fm http://www.cfru.ca

The website is working again, so please stream it online if you can. Every little bit saves my life. 10pm-12am. It’ll be awesome.

I just can’t handle dying again. I can’t. I’m still paying off the bills from the last time. Have you ever gone to a bank to explain why you need a Death Loan? They look at you like you’re crazy! Ha ha…and then they kick you out of the bank.

from andrew

Hello from the back of the storage closet, where you keep all your secret pickles.

Hello my dedicated people,

I thank you for your dedication. I also like to think of this weekly message as some kind of a reward for being so dedicated. Dedicate or devoted? I don’t know. Whatever.

And I almost didn’t send this today. Because…I think I forgot? It may have been forgetfulness, or it may have been procrastination. But the weird thing is, I think I forgot I was procrastinating. Is that that why I started writing? Man, that’d be a kick in the pants. Imagine: I wake up in 10 years, realize that I actually wrote this and sent it off, realize that I am shocked by my forgetfulness, realize that I’m being kicked in the pants, and realize that someone broke into my bedroom just to kick me in the pants. I’d be safe though, of course, because I don’t sleep with my pants on. I sleep pants off.

Shirts on, but pants off.

Now where do we go from here? Well obviously I’d prefer it if you listened to my radio show with your pants off. Isn’t that the essence of being heard, but not seen? You can do anything you’d like! Pants? No-Pants? Sure! Why not do both!

So tonight, take your pants off from 10pm-12am while you listen to my show Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite on CFRU 93.3fm or www.cfru.ca

I don’t need proof, just the assurance that you will indeed not be wearing your pants.

I’d not wear mine, but Mr. Ian George Light might be making a musical appearance in the studio with me, so I should at least wear shorts.

Does any of this message constitute sexual harassment? Can I get in trouble for telling you to take off your pants?

from andrew