Lanky Bo-Jangles

Good morning my friends and family,

Are we ready to face the day? Are we ready to greet it in all of its busyness? Are you gonna have a busy day? Is it that time of year for you?

Gah, to many questions. Let’s talk about numero uno for a while. I’VE been having a busy time these days. Not all work and no play, but not all play and no work either. Generally all around busy. Busy like a bee.

I’m busy like one of them worker bees that spend all their time doing work and getting honey.

I’m not like one of them warrior bees, that have nothing to do until some jam-covered child walks under their hive and starts poking it with his salami sandwich (if you know what I mean). The only other time that warrior bees work is when they’re on the lookout for international/industrial espionage. It’s a well known fact that if a hive begins to falter, their stock will drop. If their stock drops, then less honey will be made. If production slows from less honey being made, then the bees won’t be pollinating enough flowers. If there aren’t enough flowers being pollinated, then how in the hell am I going to make all the centerpieces for the prime minister’s secret wedding to my aunt Gracie aka Grace Jones? (She’s actually not my real aunt, and I could probably explain it all to you, but I think you lose some respect for me and be a little grossed out…)

Anyways, the other kind of be that I’m not right now is the queen bee. I mean, all they do is sit on their fat asses and get pregnant. LAME! Well, except…I kind of like big butts…

ON ME! Oh god, I like them on me. Wait–you didn’t think I meant the I liked big butts on other people, do you? HA! Nonononono, I like it when I have a big butt. I would never objectify someone else based solely (mostly) on the size of their butts. I would objectify them for a lot of other reasons…Like for not listening to my radio show, for example.

–SUPREME SEGUE–

So please do listen to my radio show tonight, objectification free! We’re called Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite.
We’re on from 10pm-12am.
We’re on CFRU 93.3fm or http://www.cfru.ca/
We’re with you all the way…ALL the way (wink wink)!

from andrew

From here on out, our ballgame is different

Good Morning, People

Do you want to know what I did last night? I made a list of a thousand possible jobs I could do. 1000! You know why? Because I’m broke. Poor. Money and me aren’t talking right now.

But poverty is a serious issue (so is Butt Poverty, but that’s another story for another time). It’s hard to make jokes about being poor. You see, there are people who legitimately have no money, people like me who have little money but are doing okay, and then there are rich-ass mopes who are loaded. Those are all the categories. And the legit poor and me can hate the rich people, but the legit poor people also hate me, and the rich people don’t want to look at me because it doesn’t make them any money to do so. Did I mention that this is all a metaphor? In this situation the rich people are actually a meatball sub, the legit poor are the cheese which has stuck to the paper they wrap around subs when you order them to-go, and I am me, eating the cheese off the wrapper and getting all kinds of sauce in all the places of my face while a pretty girl walks by BLATANTLY ignoring me because I’m a terrible eater. Such is life.

Now, back to my list. One thousand possible jobs. And while the list did say ‘Ranchero’ 87 times, there were a lot of really good suggestions. I want to share those suggestions with you now, so that you can get an idea of the versatility I possess:

1) Jacque Cousteau impersonator
2) Gun Owner
3) Chartered Accountant
4) Regular Accountant
5) Lion/Lion Tamer
6) Butcher (specializing in Emu meats)
7) Seamstress for a tote bag manufacturer Street sweeper
9) Chris Kattan
10) Cop

The ‘Ranchero’ thing started later on. There was mostly just this string of 60 of them at about the halfway point, and I was scared that I was stuck in a time-loop, or having a seizure. Now this is just the first 10 ideas, but curiously enough, number 11 said “radio dj.” And I though “HECK!” because I’ve been a radio dj for years! In fact, I’m gonna be one tonight! The only catch is that I do this for free, so I should scratch it off the list. And now you’re asking “Andrew T! Where can I listen to this free radio show?” And even though I know that you know, I’ll still tell you:

Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite
Tuesday Nights from 10pm-12am
93.3 FM or http://www.cfru.ca/

from andrew

p.s. Butt Poverty is when there’s a shortage of butts at a party. You know. Like when you’re at a potluck, but everyone bring only desserts or salads and someone says “Guys! We had a list of who was supposed to make what. Who was gonna bring the butts? Nobody brought butts, and now were in a severe state of butt poverty!”

Help Me Find the Donut Box

For all of the members,

How is everyone on this Tuesday? Me? I’m kind of sad. My hard drive crashed over the weekend. I’ve never crashed anything in my life! Not even a car!

Sure, I’ve run things over. Mailboxes, small animals, larger animals, small people (they were okay), but one thing I never did was crash/stop and see if they were okay. I’ve bumped into things too. Like walls, cupboards, small people, larger people, a zoo. Luckily those instances never evolved so much as to be called a crash. Just a bump. Honestly, I’ve never crashed at a friends pad. For some reason I always just end up sleeping over! Is something wrong with me?

Maybe you wouldn’t say something’s wrong with me, but I am sad, and that is just plain wrong. This is a free country, and one of the things I’d like to be free from is the searing pain in my heart over the loss of my computer. Do you think there will be sadness in the future? I do, but I think they’ll call it something else…maybe carbo-tarb. I could handle being carbo-tarb over being sad any day.

The worst part of this whole sad thing is that I’ve named all of my electronic gadgets (computer, mp3 player, cellphone, pacemaker, etc…) Alec Baldwin for as long as I can remember! That means that for at least the past three days I’ve known and loved my future tech as the rest of the world loves a famous actor, and now we’ve all lost everything.

And now please watch as Andrew T goes through the 5 stages of grief:

Denial: No. NO! NOOOOOOO!
Anger: Grrrrrrrrrrrr!
Bargaining: *Note: I’ll have to pay to get it fixed, so this category is dealt with.
Depression: Now this is more like it. I can handle this puppy.
Acceptance: Well, I guess the only good thing left in this crazy world is Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. Come listen tonight from 10pm-12am on CFRU 93.3fm in Guelph, or online at http://www.cfru.ca/ My hard drive may be dead, but the good times that this radio show provides certainly isn’t!

The End

from andrew

A Baby with Incredibly Muscular Arms

Greetings and Good Day,

I’ve reached a really exciting, interesting, and provocative point in my life. Sunday November the 8th, I will officially get a little bit older. Just a smidge. Just a pinch. Just wee bit. Because it is my birthday.

And seeing as how today is ONLY November 3rd, and Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite is on tonight and not Sunday night, how am I supposed involve y’all in the festivities? The true answer? I can’t. I can’t and I probably won’t.

You see, my birthday is all about me. From top to bottom, it’s for me, me, me, and only me. Why should I try, make the effort, and include you in it? What does it do for me?

Chances are I’ll get lots of presents. The more people I tell this to, the more people will say “Happy Birthday, Andrew T” or “Sup Dawg. Throw some cake down your throat today” and other such traditional B’day greetings. And I like presents.

Recently I’ve been hearing people throw words around like “Communism” and “Theocracy” and “Co-operatives” and “Lunchtime.” These all seems strange to me–mostly because I’m writing this at 8:30AM, which is not lunchtime at all–because I think I’m a big fan of Capitalism. I’m trying to find a way to make every day my birthday so that I will receive gifts every day. Because, you see, after a point, I’ll have too much stuff and I’ll have to sell it off. Chances are I’ll sell back to you the present you gave to me seven birthdays ago (aka a week ago). Isn’t that genius? Making you buy something twice? The only problem is that I’m worried most of my friends are cheapoes and that they’ll just buy me freezies or coffee every day. Unless I get an ice-box (as a gift) those freezies will be worthless, and have you ever tried to sell a cup of cold coffee? Have you? What’s it like?

Anyways, I might be having a special pre-birthday radio show tonight. I’m just sayin’…

Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite. Tuesday. 10pm-12am. CFRU 93.3fm http://www.cfru.ca/

Believe…all the time.

from andrew

I’d Caramel-wash Her “Car”

Bienvenidos,

There is a stranger in my house. At least I think so. Some one or something was using my bathroom when I got home, but I don’t know who it is. Instead of just barging in and demanding an introduction, I waited until they were done, and then snuck in to have my show.

I. Snuck. In. Like a coward. In my own home. This will not stand. This shall not stand. This will probably continue for the rest of the morning.

You know what I’m saying?

Oh, I haven’t said it yet…I guess what I’m trying to say is that sometimes I don’t like strangers. You know what I’m saying? Like, who do they think they are that they have to be all up in my stuff, in my house, and make me introduce myself. That’s outrageous, and wrong, and I’m filing a complaint.

I know that as a mildly public figure I should be open to strangers. They’re practically my bread and butter. But like all bread and butter, there are exceptions.

You see, you are my public. Some of you are bread and some of you are butter. If my matchmaking TV gets off the ground, I will be introducing all the breads to all the butters and you will make sandwich babies for me. And then we won’t be strangers! We’ll be intimately tied together. There will be many years of you bringing your doughy, greasy family down to my estate where we can all frolic and remember the good times.

We’ll say to each other “Oh, Reginald, do you remember that time on October 27th when Andrew T hosted another spectacular episode of Andrew T and the Dynamo Elite? We tuned in to CFRU 93.3fm…or was it online at http://www.cfru.ca/ ? Regardless, Reginald, it was an excellent 2 hours of radio from 10pm-12am.”

And then someone will be sure to point out that we’re not all named Reginald and that they didn’t know how they got there or why they were tied up.

So, in conclusion: Did I just stoop so low as to give myself a fictional compliment from the future just to get you to listen to my radio show?

Yes. Yes I did. And isn’t that what Halloween’s all about?

from andrew